WEIRD TALES
EPISODE 3

FIVE CHARACTERS

READY FOR ACTION

CAST

A SOLDIER  (Small man of about 4 feet)
A NURSE (Small woman of about 4 feet) 
A POLICE WOMAN (Small woman of about 4 feet)
A POSTMAN (Small man of about 4 feet)
A BUILDER (A big six foot or more and fat)

Fade in camera going through the downstairs reception, then up the stairs and the room doors opens by themselves and will see the individuals below.
The action takes place in a small hotel, the five characters lives in their individual small rooms. It is a two storey building with a small elevator, a small bar, small restaurant and a small reception. The hotel is deserted apart from these five people. There is no one else, no receptionist, no chambermaids, no waiters, cooks and so on.

In one room on the first floor a soldier dress in his combat uniform, sitting on a chair by a half closed window, prying through it by large binoculars. Obviously his is searching for the enemy.

Next to this room another one belongs to the nurse who also is in her uniform looking after a baby (a large doll).

Opposite is the room of a policewoman in uniform, she is on her walkie-talkie having a conversion with a colleague staking a crime.

Again the camera steps downstairs finding a builder in his overalls and a cap sitting on a stool by the bar counter, on there are many beer empty bottles and an empty pint glass in his hands. He is talking to himself taking and empty bottle and pour the non exiting liquid into his empty glass and drinks from it.

In a room downstairs we find the room of a postman in uniform too but lying on a bed with a Adult Sex Doll as though his is making love to it.
So that is the starting scenario

FADE OUT
FADE IN 

THE RESTAURANT AND ALL THE CHARACTERS SITTING ON INDIVIDUAL TABLES WAITING FOR SOME FOOD.


SOLDIER
How long is it going to be?

NURSE
What?

SOLDIER
The food of course.

POLICEWOMAN
Maybe they’re still preparing it.

BUILDER
At this time. I’m starving.

NURSE
You’re always starving. That is all you think about food and beer.

POSTMAN
I hope they won’t be long because I have work to do in my room.

BUILDER
(HE HIT THE KNIFE ON AN EMPTY GLASS)
We want some food, we want food…..food, food, food glorious food.

POLICEWOMAN
Be quiet you’re giving me a headache with all your shouting.

BUILDER
Are you going to arrest me for public disturbance?

POLICEWOMAN
Don’t be absurd.

SOLDIER
(HE STANDS BUT STAYS BY THE TABLE)
Listen to me all of you and listen carefully because if you don’t I will keep repeat myself until you do.

BUILDER
What are you on about?

SOLDIER
What's going in here? 
(PAUSE AND LOOKS AROUND THEM)
Where are we? 
(PAUSE AND LOOKS AROUND THEM)
What are we? 
(PAUSE AND LOOKS AROUND THEM)
Who are we? 
(PAUSE AND LOOKS AROUND THEM)
Who are we?!

NURSE
Come to think of it, he’s right. None of us knows. We don't know who we are, we don't know where we are. Each of us woke up one moment ago and here we were in here.


(LOOKS AT THEM AND THEN SHE GLIMPSES AT HER UNIFORM)
Obviously I am a nurse. Do you see what I’m wearing? 

POLICEWOMAN
Maybe you are a kinky woman who likes to dress up as a nurse?

NURSE
Don’t be ridiculous. Look at you. What is your profession?

BUILDER
Could it be that I am a builder?

SOLDIER
Precisely. I am a soldier, look at my uniform. That lady there is a policewoman and he is a postman.

POSTMAN
OK. That is it, please tell me, now that we established this most important thing in our lives of what we represent, does it tell us really who we are?

NURSE
I don’t know about the others, but I know this about you.

POSTMAN
What?

NURSE
You’re a sex pervert who makes love to dolls?

BUILDER
Really?

SOLDIER
Now, why didn’t I think of that?

POLICEWOMAN
But why? There’s us women, the nurse and I.

NURSE
Maybe the postman is in silicon?

POSTMAN
Don’t be obtrusive.

BUILDER
I don’t agree with you, there is a big difference in fucking a female, to a doll?

SOLDIER
I agree.

POSTMAN
OK, so I am a virgin, have never been with a female, I had to learn somehow……

BUILDER
All right let’s forget it, and I am still waiting for my food.

SOLDIER
So am I?

NURSE
It’s strange though the food hasn’t arrived yet!


(A ELETRONIC VOICE COME THROUGH THE SPEAKERS)
Lunch is delayed because our cooks are on strike. I’m a robot and cannot cook and the rest of the staff you got rid off. Please queue up for some cheese sandwiches!

SOLDIER
Sandwiches, what are they?

POLICEWOMAN
There’s a turn up for the books. Sandwiches?

NURSE
Yeah, some slices of bread with some spread and things in it.

BUILDER
Why complain, food is food. That’s what matters.

(THEY ALL LEAVE THE RESTAURANT AND THROUGH TO THE RECEPTION AND THE KITCHEN. THEY ALL ENTER)

(THE KITCHEN IS EMPTY BUT THERE ARE TWO SILVER TRAYS WITH READY MADE SANDWICHES AND ARE MARKED “HAM AND CHEESE” “CHEESE AND TOMATO”  THEY ALL TAKE A SANDWICH EXCEPT THE BUILDER WHO TAKES AS MANY AS HE CAN CARRY).

SOLDIER
You’re a fucking pig, do you know that?

BUILDER
Yes, and I am very proud of it, and now I say politely to mind your own business and piss off.

SOLDIER
Right, don’t ask for any help if you need it, because you won’t get it from me.

NURSE
And I speak for the rest, that goes for us too.

(THEY ALL EXIT EXCEPT THE BUILDER)

FADE OUT
FADE IN


(An electronic voice is heard from each speaker of their rooms except the Builders)


This is a recording for you four creatures of the outer world only. Your mission which after all you have to accept whether you like it or not is the use the tubes of semen provided to you in the stores of your spaceship. You have to use is wisely and mix it with the most popular food the human likes. You all have the ability and means to cover the country you are in. Others like you are all over this planet. When the signal is given all of you will conclude the mission together. After that, you will return home and watch for the results.

When we placed you in this hotel you were unaware of who you were for your own protection. Your disguises as human beings were necessary as not to arouse suspicions. I see also that one of you went over the top and got the bad habits of humans. This has to stop immediately or the person whom I will not mention will be punished severely. Do you understand Mr Postman?

When you wake you have to get rid of the one who is known as the builder he is not one of us and his dangerous. He infiltrated you cunningly but our intelligence found him out in time.

That is all and this voice will self destruct in one, two, three…..
(THERE IS A LOUD SQUEEZE [LIKE A PIG] AND THEN SILENCE.)

FADE OUT
FADE IN

BUILDER
(THE ROOM OF THE BUILDER ON A TABLE WE FIND ALL THE SANDWICHES HE HAS TAKEN FROM THE KITCHEN)
(WITH TECHNICAL CAMERA TRICKS, THE BUILDER CHANGES TO AN ALIEN CREATURE. (I LEAVE THAT TO THE IMAGINATION OF THE DIRECTOR)
(HE PICKS THE SANDWICHES AND SNIFFS THEM AND THROW THEM UNDER THE BED. HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)


I am here to serve man. Not to be waiting on them but to serve them a dish to my faithful colleagues. Now let me see. THE POLICEWOMAN I will do with her a roast with a Valentino stuffing. My friends will love this and they will be impressed! I think it is good enough to be served at a high-priced restaurant, but easy enough to make myself. Creamy mozzarella and roasted red peppers make the dish really special. I shall serve it over toasted bread with Alfredo Sauce. These sauces I stole from my victims the humans. THE SOLDIER who thinks he’s master of the world, I’ll barbecue him the way we barbecue food on my planet.
As for THE POSTMAN since he is very sexual orientated I shall include some oysters in his palate and some spermitus spices from my planet. It will make the shyest friends into the best lovers ever.
As for THE NURSE, let me think about that……First I shall change back to a man, not a builder but as the most good looking human being ever, seduce, make love to her and pregnant her with my seed and the earth then will belong to us. After that, I shall make a decent broth out of her. Right! Now to get all ingredients and start cooking….as we say in our planet…. Ready, Steady, Cookaballoo.


FADE OUT
FADE IN


THE BAR - ALL CHARACTERS ARE THERE EXCEPT FOR THE BUILDER

NURSE
Now that we are here and the builder is not we can talk freely.

POSTMAN
The first thing we have to decide is what to do with him.

SOLDIER
Get rid of him, of course.

NURSE
Yes, we know that but how?

POLICEWOMAN
Poison, perhaps.

SOLDIER
I can knife him you know…..

POSTMAN
Don’t be so melodramatic.

SOLDIER
Killing people and enemies is my job.

 

POLICEWOMAN
In wartime yes, but not in peacetime. And, please, can anyone of you tell me why we want to get rid of him.

POSTMAN
He is not one of us.

NURSE
How do we know that?

POLICEWOMAN
Have you ever seen one of us as big as him? Look at us, he’s a giant compared to us.

NURSE
Maybe he’s a freak of nature.

SOLDIER
I tell you he’s not one of us, I can smell him.

POSTMAN
I wonder if he human. I am from this planet?

POLICE WOMAN
I wonder. 

SOLDIER
I am quite sure, when we found this hotel we made sure that we got rid of the humans.
Remember, he was with us all the time.

NURSE
But he wasn’t on our ship?

POSTMAN
That’s true. But I tell you he is not human. I have never seen a human who devours food like him.

POLICEWOMAN
What do we know about humans?

SOLDIER
We no they are sex mad, sex maniacs and sex perverts.

NURSE
And they breed like our rabbits.

SOLDIER
You know, I was searching on what they call Google, and you know how many pornographic sites I found, and for free too.

NURSE
Really?

SOLDIER
I tell you the way the fuck is beyond belief. On top, on the side, from behind, upside down….

POSTMAN
They’re not like us. We only have sex once every six months and the normal way.


POLICEWOMAN
Is that why you have Adult Sex Doll in their image.

NURSE
What?

POSTMAN
That’s nobod's bus……..

POLICEWOMAN
(CUT HIM OFF)


What you do is your own business. Please remember if you get contaminated, we leave you here for good.

POSTMAN
I thought we are here to stay.

SOLDIER
What gave you that idea? We came here to impregnate with our semen all the human women who are fertile. That way in hundred of years time they become like as. Brothers in arms so to speak.


POSTMAN
(CHEERFULLY)
Does that mean I was practising for nothing!

NURSE
Don’t be stupid. We have to contaminate their basic food.

POSTMAN
What about the men, they will eat the same food.

SOLDIER
Yes, they do, But the man will become impotent and our children only will be able to reproduce.

POLICEWOMAN
What I cannot understand why our superiors chose Planet Earth for this mission?

SOLDIER
This is the smallest planet in our Solar system. This is a test of some sort if we succeed we do the same as others.

NURSE
Have semen we’ll impregnate.


FADE IN - CREDITS