WEIRD TALES
EPISODE 1
EVERYBODY HAS

GONE IN HIDING


CAST
TERRY JONES
AGNES
A PRIEST
MANY MOURNERS 


FIRST SHOT - STANDARD ROAD OPENING
 
WE ARE NOW LOOKING AT A STEEP ROAD. TAKING A SHOT OF AN OLD MAN, WHO HOLDS A STICK. HE IS VERY WEAK AND WEARY AND WALKS UP THE HILL VERY, VERY SLOWLY. AT THE TOP OF THE HILL HE SEES A DESERTED VILLAGE. HE WALKS DOWN AND SEES A SMALL DINER ON THE LEFT. A BROKEN NEON LIGHT FLASHES ON AND OFF OVER THE FRONT DOOR. FROM INSIDE THE SOUND OF A A RECORD “WHEN I’M 64” BY THE BEATLES LENDS A STRANGE, RAUCOUS RESONANCE TO THE EARLY MORNING SILENCE. 

THE MAN TERRY JONES NOW UNSURE WALKS IN.
HIS WEARS ORDINARY CLOTHES. THERE'S AN UNCERTAINTY, A BEWILDERMENT, AS HE LOOKS AROUND HIM. HE SEARCHES HIS POCKETS NOT KNOWING WHAT HE’S LOOKING FOR AND TAKES OUT A BANANA HE SITS ALONE, PEELS IT AND THROWS THE SKIN TO THE FLOOR, STARTS TO EAT IT….HE SEARCHERS INTO HIS INSIDE JACKET AND TAKES OUT A SMALL FLASK, OPENS THE SCREW TAP AND SMELLS IT AND SMILES…HE TAKES A SIP WITH CONTENT…… THE SONG ENDS AND THE MUSIC FADES OUT COMPLETELY. SILENCE.

TERRY 
(LOOKS AT THE CAMERA, A CLOSEUP OF HIS FACE)


You are looking at me, an old man, a Caucasian, I am of the age…(HESITATES) approximately….
(HE THINKS)
How old am I?
Come to think about it, what is my name? 
(PAUSE IN THOUGHTS) 
Why am I here?…… Where am I going…..What was I going to do and why?
(AFTER A LONG PAUSE)
I don’t really know.
(HE STANDS AND LOOKS AROUND.)

(ALL OF A SUDDEN ANOTHER SONG STARTS VERY LOUD. IT IS “Napoleon XIV: 'They're coming to take me away'”


TERRY SHUDDERS IN FEAR TRIES TO WALK OUT BUT HE STEPS ON THE BANANA SKINS AND FALLS ON HIS BOTTOM. FROM INSIDE THE SHOP, WE HEAR A LOUD LAUGHTER OF AN OLD WOMAN WHO SLOWLY WALKS OUT WITH A ZIMMER FRAME AND LOOKS AT TERRY SITTING ON THE FLOOR)

(THE MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

AGNES
(KEEPS LAUGHING)
What the hell are you doing down there?


TERRY
(IN SLIGHT DISCOMFORT)
I don’t know!


(HE TRIES TO STAND BUT FALLS AGAIN TO THE FLOOR, AGNES MOVES AWAY FROM HER ZIMMER AND TRIES TO HELP HIM BUT BOTH FALLS TO THE FLOOR SITTING BESIDE EACH OTHER)

AGNES
Now, look at what you have done.

TERRY
Me. I did nothing of the sort. You did this to yourself.

AGNES 
Have I, now? I tried to help you, you old sod.

TERRY
Look whose talking, Have you looked at the mirror lately?

AGNES
How dare you!

(TERRY TRIES TO REACH HIS STICK)

AGNES
What are you doing now?

TERRY 


I’m trying to reach my stick and stand up. Do I have your permission?


(HE REACHES HIS STICK TAKE A GOOD GRIP AND SLOWLY BUT SURELY HE STANDS ON HIS FEET. WITHOUT LOOKING BACK HE GETS SLOWLY.

AGNES
Hey, where are you going?

TERRY
(SHOUTS AND WITHOUT LOOKING)
Where do you think?

AGNES
Are you or are you not going to help me on to my feet?

TERRY
Give me one good reason.

AGNES
Well, maybe I’ll let you be intimate with me.


TERRY
A good reason, but I’m afraid the spirit is willing but my sexual vigour has passed me by.

AGNES
At your age? How old are you?

TERRY
I haven’t a clue, I don’t even remember my name. What’s yours?

AGNES
Funny, I can’t remember either. 
(THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER)
Are you going to help me up?

TERRY
(WALKS TOWARDS HER, FIRST HE GRAPS THE ZIMMER FRAME AND PUTS IT IN FRONT OF HER, HE PUTS HIS STICK ON THE TABLE AND SLOWLY HE BENDS DOWN CAREFULLY AND GRABS HER FROM HER SHOULDERS, AS SHE TRIES TO GRAB THE ZIMMER FRAME. AS SHE ABOUT TO STAND, TERRY LET GO OF HER AND SHOUTS WITH PAIN HOLDING HIS BACK, WHILE AGNES DROPS BACK TO THE FLOOR, AND SHE SHOUTS AT HIM)

AGNES
Bloody hell, what are you trying to do? Cripple me?

TERRY
I’m sorry, I have done my back again. Oh, I suffer from it you know.

AGNES
Come on help me up.

TERRY
(SITS)
Let me have a breather first and then I’ll try again. By the way, what are you doing here? Do you own this place?

AGNES
Of course not!

TERRY
So, what are you doing in there?

AGNES
I was making myself a cup of tea when you disturbed me.

TERRY
Where are you going?

AGNES
The truth? I don’t have a clue. This morning I woke up and found myself on this road.

TERRY
That’s funny, so did I. And another thing who was playing the music?

AGNES
I Don’t know. 

TERRY
Maybe it was in our imagination.


(HE STANDS WITH DISCOMFORT)
Let me try again.

(REPEATS THE SAME ACTION AS BEFORE, THIS TIME AGNES GRABS THE ZIMMER FRAME FIRMLY AND WITH ONE PULL TERRY MANAGES TO LIFT HER UP AND NOW AGNES AND HIM ARE BOTH STANDING)

AGNES
Thanks, what a relief. Where are you going now?

TERRY
I don’t know but I rather keep going, maybe it comes to me.

AGNES
Do you mind if I tag along with you?

TERRY 
None at all.

(BOTH THEY WALKOUT IN A SINGLE FILE AND OUT OF THE SHOP.
LONG SHOT OF TERRY AND AGNES AS THEY WALK DOWN LOOKING FROM ONE SIDE OF THE STREET TO THE OTHER.
AS THEY WALK BY EVERYWHERE IS DESERTED, THEY PASS MANY SHOPS AND THEY INVESTIGATE THEM FROM OUTSIDE AND THEY’RE ALL EMPTY.
THEY FIND A PUBLIC BENCH BY THE TOWNHALL AND A CHURCH AND THEY SIT DOWN)

TERRY
I really don’t understand?

AGNES
What don’t you understand?

TERRY
Where is everybody, apart from us, nobody seems to be around?

AGNES
That’s true. Maybe they vanished?

TERRY
Yes, but where to?

AGNES
Stop moaning, at least we are alive and kicking.

TERRY
Yes, with my stick and you with your zimmer frame.

AGNES
You’re so negative. 

(ALL OF A SUDDEN TWO HEARSES ONE AFTER THE OTHER AND MANY BLACK CARS APPROACH AND STOP BY THE CHURCH.
AGNES AND TERRY STAND AND WATCH CHEERFULLY.)

AGNES
There you are, people, at last.

TERRY
Yes, but who are the unfortunates in those coffins.

AGNES
Does it matter, the mourners are alive?

(THE CAMERA FOCUSES ON THE FUNERAL CAR PROCESSION AS THE PALLBEARERS GET OUT AND PREPARE TOTAKE THE COFFINS AS THE MOURNERS GET OF OF THE CAR AND WALK STRAIGHT INTO THE CHURCH. BY NOW THE PALLBEARERS ARE READY AND FOLLOWING EACH OTHER THEY ENTER THE CHURCH TOO)
(IN THE MEANTIME AGNES AND TERRY BEGIN TO WALK SLOWLY TOWARDS THE CHURCH)

TERRY
Might as well join in and attend the funeral.

AGNES
As you said might as well, we have nothing else to do….Still, were are the shop keepers, the villagers, the workers?

TERRY
When the funeral is over we shall ask some of the people in the church.

AGNES
That’s a good idea. 
(SHE TRIES TO QUICKEN HER PACE)
Come on, be quick.

TERRY
What’s the rush, they’re not going anywhere.

AGNES
Shut up and keep walking. I’m glad I don’t know you. I don’t know what it would have been like if we were married.

TERRY
God forbids.

AGNES
Amen!

(THE REACH THE CHURCH AND SLOWLY ENTER.)


(INSIDE THE CHURCH. THE MOURNERS ARE SITTING IN THE PEWS WHILE THE TWO COFFINS ARE LAID BESIDE EACH OTHER AND THE LIDS ARE OPEN. A PRIEST IS STANDING BY THE ALTAR.)
NOW WE SEE TERRY AND AGNES WALKING DOWN THE ISLE VERY SLOWLY AND WITH RESPECT AND DIGNITY…..AS THEY WALK THE MOURNERS ARE OBLIVIOUS TO THEM. AGNES AND TERRY REACH THE COFFINS. THEY LOOK INSIDE AND TO THEIR SURPRISE IT IS THEM WHO LIES IN THE COFFIN DRESSED IMMACULATELY.)

 

 

THE PRIEST

It pains me to admit that beloved Terry and Agnes have passed away and what a passing through they had. The got married about fifty fives years ago, they had thirteen children and thirty-five grandchildren. All of whom are here now gathered here to celebrate the end of their life.
They met when they were 18 and seventeen they got engaged and married two years after and since then they never left each other’s sight. They lived beside each other and died beside each other to the shock of their son Edgar. They died happily in each other's arms naked and in a loving pose. What a tribute to love.

(HIS SPEECH FADES OUT AND THE CAMERA NOW FOCUSES ON TERRY AND AGNES)

AGNES
So, after all, we were married to each other and for 55 years,

TERRY
If I was in prison I would have been released long before that.

AGNES
You don’t mean that?

TERRY
Of course not. At least now we know who we are. 


(HE CUDDLES AGNES)
My darling Agnes.

AGNES
My dear dear Terry.

TERRY
Where we really making love before we popped it?

AGNES
It seems so

(CUDDLING EACH OTHER THEY BOTH LAUGH AND WALTZ DOWN THE AISLE AS THOUGH THEY WERE VERY YOUNG AND HEALTHY.)

 

FADE IN CREDITS