THE GHOST of MY PAST
My journey started an excursion of doubt
It will open the door of my dubious freedom;
A journey taking me to a weird and murky point
It is not a place which shall reveal my outcome.
The ghosts of yesterday appear to warn me of dread
Yet I’m heading to a menacing place of a secluded life;
My past life seems to be millions of years away
It’s like linking it to my future and all its strife.
The appalling time presses in as though it is alive
It stays hanging to my past and I can almost sense it;
I can almost feel it presses on my fragile chest
Whispering echoing true words which I hesitate to admit.
The thought of one vital woman brings no relief
It produces tension that inhabits my old heart;
At least some of the pains have eased somehow
Pains that touched on my fears I knew from the start.
As the journey continues more doubts appears
revealing more disturbances of weirdness;
Throughout I found a strange and a lonely life
Like a sleeping existence soon to wake up in readiness.
I know that I should stop and return back
Yet I cannot as long as I feel my answers are here;
Answers which I have been looking for a long time
Hoping that they might be found somewhere.
The darkness and the isolation are tremendously tiring
They are corrupted by the dust of my hidden life
Walled by the ghosts of my past constantly haunting me
The fears of my uncertain future are tender and rife.
The past drifts through dark corridors of the unknown
Settling in corners of complete uneasiness and dismay;
Waiting for my mind to uncover more than the truth
The demons of my unsettled time are here to stay.
They have found their place in the isolated area of my heart
It echoes with so much pain in a lonely and frightened sphere;
A realm where the answers for the future can give me hope
That is all I have to hang on too otherwise I end up nowhere.
The answers of the future have not been found yet
The existence of hope is very much in doubt;
Since I have travelled through the streets of life
Having become part of the strange route.
A peculiarity which seems to reach out and touches my soul
The past is my prison in which I’ve been too long confined;
I’m not afraid of the present only frightened of my future
Yet both carry a filthy stench of fear of which I am resigned.
The fears transfer through my veins and mingle with my blood
Seeping through my heart interrupting the smooth flow;
My present is situated on an isolated peak hanging by a thread
The secrets of my past are not yet ready to be put on a show.
A cold sweat started to attack my body
A strike with a force of definite affirmation;
No life beyond seemingly only hopelessness
Dejection and the terrible seclusion of trepidation.
From the moment I slipped from mother’s womb
I have been surrounded by tension and conflicts;
Everything echoing the ghosts of my past I know
Ghosts having a tight grip on my present afflicts.
The connection between then and now is very real
Somehow I shall discover what I really want to know;
The dark ambience of my existing life dominates
It is part of the uneasy world I built and owe.
If I listened to its rumours I shudder to continue
The dark themes of the present binding me to the past;
I wish to forget and no nothing at all, it doesn’t help
The doors opened widely and truth came rushing fast.
The first tragedy came upon me, a parting in a form of death
He was taken away, the man I protected for so long;
The father whom I loved and shielded since I was eight years old
The hidden impacts suddenly I feared most came along.
The atmosphere was bleak there was no sound
Except for the sobbing by the siblings around the cadaver;
There was also the crying of the guilty one gazing at me
Hoping for me to forgive and forget her past behaviour.
The strangeness that surrounded me still haunts me now
I forgave never to forget for what she reaped and sow.
The past is not a mystery any more but my future is
It is bound to the childhood years I had faced;
The compelling tension I endured were endless
So much happened in five feeling lonely and disgraced.
Those were the years facing the woman I love most
And the man who abused me for a long long time;
No wonder I never trusted and lusted over women so much
While the paedophile exploited me with his perverted crime.
The woman who never left my thoughts and never will
The mother who knew I was aware of her secret ghost;
Though a secret safe with me always haunting my mind
For she was the one and only person who loved me most.
The man the cunning paedophile ten years my senior
Who lured me into the dirty world of sexual misuse;
How could I have faced him for all those years still
Knowing the damage he had done with his abuse?
The road I took after that were steep and winding
It twisted and turned to manipulate for so long;
It led me to ruin and condemning my teenage life
Hurting all the people knowing I was completely wrong.
I haven’t passed all the grief and pain,
For me now death is the legitimate gain.